Light Amy and Dark Amy have been in a fight. Light Amy won. She chose love.
"To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation...Love is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world for himself for another's sake, it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things . . ." - Rilke
So, I am capable of feeling pity and compassion for Daniel Keys Moran. He is a failure and a brute and a fool. He has failed even in his brutalities. His terrible actions all seem to have arisen from wanting to be something different.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2007 after having my attention drawn to a web page created for free on Blogger by Daniel Keys Moran that alleged that Alan Rodgers murdered our baby Anthony in January, 2005. Anthony died after becoming entangled in his covers on the bed when his father put him down after feeding him. It was my second day of work at Beyond Shelter, one of the rainiest days on record for many years in Los Angeles, and I had been required to stay late to be introduced to the Board of Directors. That's why I could not save my baby. I had been on the edge of PTSD for years and was barely hanging on. These out of nowhere/out of left field accusations were the final piece in the PTSD puzzle that had been assembling itself out of several incidents where someone I loved died and I could do nothing about it, and from violent assaults I suffered myself.
For the past five years, I have lived with the existence of this material. As an executive and someone participating in leadership, I never knew when or how someone might see them and conclude that rather than the seemingly upstanding individual they were working with, they in fact were dealing with someone who murdered her own baby. Or, possibly, someone who allowed her daughter to kill the baby. The accusations against Alan were so frothing at the mouth crazy that I never much worried anybody would believe that in reality, I'd had a baby with someone like that, rather than the "kind, beautiful, gifted man" Alan was in the words of Kay McCauley, his agent of many years.
Anthony, Meredith and I were collateral damage in a custody battle that was all about Moran and had absolutely no limits of any type. All that cost me was 10 years of my life, possibly what could have been the best 10 years. It deepened and darkened my daughter. I am not sure that is such a bad thing, because life isn't easy for anyone and having no obstacles to overcome does not make for a strong person in the long run. Now I know people in the Parental Rights, Fathers' Rights and international child kidnapping and mental health fields I never would have known had all of these things not occurred.
I talked to dozens of people about this. Attorneys, internet experts, even the EFF. I have a close friendship with someone I respect and admire greatly now, because she too experienced internet harassment of a similar nature -- even less-comprehensible in that it was someone she barely knew. Three different judges ordered the material removed from the internet. Due to internet laws, the only person who could make these judgments "stick" was Alan Rodgers, as the parent of the children abused by the material. He never followed through with the necessary steps. So it stayed. I'm pretty sure it's still there, and if you want to see "crazy," be my guest and read it. It's a documentation of the mentality behind those who kidnap children and pursue custody battles heedless of the horrific price paid by children and the collaterals (other children, family members).
Mr. Moran does not know me. At all. When the type of dysfunction that is at play is involved, that doesn't matter. Individuals of this nature feel they "know" and "own" anyone they come into even remote contact with. It's the same mentality as Ralph Kaplan, who felt compelled to write a total stranger, sexologist Jill McDevitt, and berate her for using condoms while having sex with her husband. It's a similar mentality to the maniac who struck a 2 year-old in WalMart because the little boy was wearing a pink headband. It's very much the mentality of someone who'd kidnap a child to spite and harm their former spouse.
I was assured by all these experts that eventually, the material would "go away." If I added enough positive material about myself, it would just disappear into the internet ether.
The experts were right.
This is what I tell people who've had some exposure to this. A young lady who's an active SF/F fan in Los Angeles informed me that some of Moran's material got e-mailed to a huge, 30,000 member fan e-mail list. I told her, "You know what? The year I published my first SF story (1996) was the last year this individual got paid for anything remotely related to writing."
Being with Alan for all that time, I listened to his recounting of various things that happened before we became involved in 1999. Among them was the seed of the apocalyptic disaster of his marriage and the dissolution of what should have been a famous writing/editing couple. It appeared to have been a burning desire on the part of Mr. Moran: be a famous sci fi writer. He managed to get his "ideas" past Alan and to Alan's ex-wife and actually sold this steaming pile to Del Rey at an historical date (1988 or some such). Or Bantam. I'm too lazy to look. But after chatting about the purported originality of the material a few times, I said, "Hadn't either of you heard of this?" Because a more educated, brighter and gifted sci fi writer had kinda ... ya know ... done it. 1,000's of times better. And if it's not Heinlein, it's Larry Niven's ideas. And even Alan. Not a sci fi writer. Just a horror writer. Ya know. Just a Stoker-winning horror writer.
So here is how this intersects with all that has happened over the past few years in the field. It's a personal version of Vox Day attacking Nora Jemison. It's like the sexual harassment nightmares that have been detailed over and over. It's like this idiot writing a total stranger and berating her for using condoms with her husband, and like some camo-clad fool slapping a little child for wearing a pink headband and calling him a "f*****."
There has never been anything in my life, except Meredith, more important or precious than my baby Anthony. I think of him every day. If I could give my life right now for his, I would gladly do so. I no longer feel that this brutality colors his life in any way. He will always be Lali, a pure spirit of love. I will never understand why he was taken. I can accept that he was. Some day we will be together again.
And Moran: I'm sorry that whatever your life was, whatever you wanted that you do not have, made you like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but I honestly cannot imagine what type of emptiness would lead to this. I forgive you for what you have done to me and mine. I know it came from the grip of inchoate evil.
Inchoate evil. My constant companion. It is with all of us, on a daily basis. We have to look it in its ugly face and tell it that we love it.