Imagine if I was no good as an artist, and someone let me loose on the highest-priced computer art programs, then gicleed the "results" on an 8-story high canvas.
Now that I have cable and not Direct TV, I've been watching shows I'd never have watched before. Therefore, I was pottering around last night with the Sy Fy Channel on. It was the Saturday night Sy Fy channel original movie night!
First, I saw the end of Ferocious Planet (2011). If you'll note this DVD-type (I cannot imagine this in Blu-Ray) ad art, which almost makes this thing look like an actual film, it looks like they might actually try to sell this stuff! Like in stores!
The alien skeleton monster looks a LOT better in that picture than in the "actual" "film." I honestly have never seen anything quite like this, although some of the actors were okay, especially considering they were running around in . . . holy smokes, this rotten egg was filmed in Ireland!
Well, I only saw the last few minutes of Ferocious Planet. I kept watching (everyone knows I'm a masochist) because then . . . Almighty Thor (2011) came on!
I looked on the Sy Fy channel list of 145 original movies and it looks like this isn't the first "ripoff" Sy Fy Channel original. I noted Battle of Los Angeles, with Nia Peeples and Kel Mitchell (yes, Kel of Kenan and Kel), Lost City Raiders with James Brolin (!) and Species: The Awakening.
Let me tell you, I used to have a little bit of a crush on Richard Grieco. Remember 21 Jump Street?
I think I'd prefer to keep my former image of Richard Grieco. The one where he looks like this:
To say this new Sy Fy Channel Thor is bad is to misuse that simple word. There was this Spanish-sounding warrior girl wearing shorts who was dragging the totally weepy Thor around L.A. (yeah). Turns out it was Patricia Velasquez, who is a beautiful Venezuelan actress that people will remember as the Egyptian lover Anksenamun from The Mummy.
Let's just say neither she nor Richard Grieco looks a whole lot like they used to, though she's holding up better.
But this isn't the most "special" thing about this dreadful ripoff Thor. Right off, I noticed that Odin sounded like somebody who might belong to a motorcycle club, or be qualified to join one.
Whom would this amazing talent be? Famous pro wrestler Kevin "Big Sexy" Nash.
I'll let this promo website say what it seems the "creators" thought beforehand: "Marvel's Thor may have Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins as Odin, but could Hopkins powerbomb a guy through a table like pro wrestler "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash, who will be playing the ruler of Asgard in The Asylum's mockbuster Almighty Thor?"
You really haven't lived until you've heard Nash intone Odin-ish lines in his flat, horrific delivery.
"I'm gonna powerbomb you, Loki."
. . . glower . . .
O . . . M . . . G
This explains it all. Honestly, the worst movie I have ever sort of seen.
Note: Patricia Velasquez has quite an accent, but she really tried hard. She had to say "come back to my dwelling" at least 30 times to the retarded, wimpy "Thor." She had to pretend he was doing anything except stand there in his costume and look mentally-challenged.